Worries and Fears

28 weeks and 4 days

Now, I'm actually starting to develop some practical worries and fears. Most are just about my family and my futures. I worry about money, work, school, marriage, and my family outside of Texas (everyone related to me). So, here is my plan: I plan to take a twelve week leave from work two weeks prior to my due date. By this time, I will have just finished up my fall semester at school. During this time, I'm going to do everything I can in order to be ready for the baby, washing clothes, sewing a couple things, sterilizing bottles and what not, setting up toys, installing the car seat, putting the crib bedding up. While I am on my leave, Omar will be mostly taking care of the bills with some help from my saved money, financial aid, and tax return. I plan on taking two online classes during my leave; however, one class is remedial, and I plan on it being very easy. When I go back to work, Omar and I will work alternate shifts so one of us is home with the baby. As I begin to start thinking about going back to work, my plan begins to crumple and my fears and worries surface. A lot of these fears seem to intertwine, overlap, and entangle themselves with one another.

 If I keep going at the rate I am, I have about six more years until I finish school. I won't be finishing school until my child has already started school. I want to begin working less and going to school more, but I'm unsure of what we can afford and what I can do. Getting my degree will be most beneficial to my family, and I don't want to prolong it anymore than I have to. I'm also nervous about taking on more school, I am a huge procrastinator. I need to learn how to embrace that sense of completion, and not fear it. After this semester, I have nine more classes I need to take at ACC before transferring to a university. Before that, I don't plan on taking out any loans. Being a "single" mom, I get a great deal of financial aid to cover my school costs. I have a lot of worries about going to school more and working less. I worry about not having my own money. As far as I know, Omar supports my education and intends on helping support me financially, if I choose to go more and work less. I am far from a shop-a-holic, but I do like to buy things for myself on occasion and even for my daughter now. I don't like the idea of having to go through him if I want to buy something. I know if it's something I really need, he would be willing to buy it for me. I don't want to have to justify my spending to him, because sometimes guys just don't understand. When I think about going to school more, I think about who is going to watch my daughter. I know a lot of classes I can take online or at night, so for now, there really isn't a big problem. As I go further in my education, classes are going to begin to become limited and if I plan on teaching, I will have to spend sometime during the day for a few months as a student teacher. Omar does not want to leave the baby with his dad and we don't really know anyone else available during the day. I'm not sure how I feel about daycare and I haven't began to look at the prices. I do know it's expensive.

Another one of my worries, aside from school, is marriage. I would like to eventually get married. If Omar asked me today, I would say "yes". I have that anticipation most girls have wondering when he's going to ask me and imagining wearing that ring, that symbol, on my finger. I also think about how nice it would be referring to him as my husband, or even my fiance, instead of my boyfriend, it just sounds so childish. In addition, I also want something stable for my daughter. I don't believe either of us plan on going anywhere sometime soon, having that commitment in writing is always better. With thoughts of marriage also brings about worries of money and even my out of state family. A wedding is expensive, and neither us or our families have the money for that. I believe I am okay with having a courthouse wedding, but then I wonder if I will regret that one day. If we do get married at the court, I at least want to have a celebration with our families. With my family being in Ohio and Florida, it makes that a little difficult. Also, though marriage has nothing to do with my education, it still has some effects on it. I almost feel horrible for even saying this, but if I become married, my financial aid benefits will greatly decrease. I rely on that money a lot to help me avoid student loans while attending ACC. I know technically, if Omar is helping to support me I shouldn't need as much money as I do. I do know it's wrong to "take advantage" of the government, but if I can, why not? I know I deserve that money and I know I am using for something good.

Among my other worries and fears, I also worry about my out of state family. It was difficult enough being able to spend enough time with my family when they were all in Ohio. To make matters worse, soon I am going to have a baby and now I also have family in Florida. I want my daughter to meet her family, and I know they want to meet her too. Luckily, traveling with an infant is free, but I don't know if that will make up for all the trouble it brings. Also, traveling is expensive. If I am going to be working less, I need to get the money for my travel from Omar. I feel bad taking his hard-earned money and using to take his daughter away from him for a week or so. I'd like to see my family more than once a year, but I don't know if that will be possible anymore, unless they come to Texas. Going to Ohio is going to be really difficult, the house I lived in before I moved to Texas is gone, and so is the family I lived there with. Both my grandmas do have extra rooms at their houses, and they live nearby each other and all my aunts, uncles, and cousins. The most important people I want to see in Ohio, live a little further though, and that's my dad and my brothers. Going to Florida will not be as big of a challenge, but most my family is not there.

I think I will end this blog now, I have to go to work in a couple hours and this is the only thing I have done today besides eat breakfast. Though it isn't exactly what I would call productive, I do believe it helps to get some of your thoughts out in the open. It helps to think of solutions and to relieve some of the weight bearing down on you.