My heart is caving in...

"And where will I go where I can feel safe
When my family sells it's place and we all split up and move away?"

Two weeks ago: 32 weeks, 1 day

I know that question has been on my mind since my mom moved to Florida. I've always been a little angry about it, and hearing those lyrics helped me to realize why. I'm angry because I don't have an answer to that question. Growing up is hard, and losing the things that allow you to still be a child is hard. I know I have a family no matter what, but it's hard to find comfort and security in an unfamiliar place. Before, if something went wrong, I always knew I could move back to Ohio, I even had my old room waiting for me. Now that my mom is in Florida that feeling of security is gone. Florida is not my home, and my home in Ohio is gone forever. I don't really expect anything to go wrong, but having a security blanket to wrap around yourself is always comforting. The more I try to think about it, the more sad I become and the more I wish Omar was home so I could feel his comfort. With him is the only place I feel like I truly belong, and sometimes I question how long that will last. Everything is fine with us, but I always have that fear. I have lived in a broken home my entire life, and a stable one is not something I'm use to. I just expect, and fear, it to fall apart one day. And if someone is reading this and thinking how pathetic I sound, don't worry, I'm thinking that too. I truly hope Omar and I can stay together and provide a stable home for our children to live in. I don't regret my past, and I don't try to wish things were different, but I can't help wonder how different things would be. Also, I can't help but think how much better things could have been. I wish I didn't try to analyze myself and my life so much, I guess I find comfort in understanding.

Omar's family had a little baby shower for me last night. No one really showed up, but it was a nice gesture. I was okay with that, no one really knows me, and I'm just the English-speaking, white girl anyways. I wish we didn't have this language barrier, but I am working on it. I don't like when my mom tries talks to me about it, she always acts like it's their fault, I know that is not true. It's hard to explain, but when she asks me about it, which she does rather frequently, she always carries this negative, annoyed toned. I guess she expects them to go magically start learning English just because their son is dating some white girl. I really don't expect them to. I am the one trying to be part of their family, they should not have to accommodate for me, not to mention English is very difficult to learn. I guess she just doesn't understand, and I guess, I don't expect her to. Her negative attitude makes me wonder if I should have them meet while she's here. I don't think I will and I don't think she wants to meet them anyways. I don't even think she really even cares to meet Omar, which kind of makes me wish she wasn't planning on staying at our place. Though assuming is bad to do, I am going to do it anyways. I am pretty sure my mom is racist. I do believe everyone is to a certain extent, I think it's just from their upbringing, but I think she exceeds that limit a bit. I don't even think she knows it or realizes it Never does she directly say anything racist, but she just seems to always make some negative remark or joke about the fact that Omar is Mexican. It seems we can't have a conversation involving Omar without his race being mentioned. I wish that wasn't the case, because soon, part of her family, her granddaughter is going to be part Mexican. I can ignore what she says about Omar, but I don't think it's going to be so easy when she makes the race of my child the butt of all her remarks. I feel bad for saying all that, I do, but it's hard to talk about with anyone. I would feel bad if she read this, not that I think she ever will, but in a way I would be glad. I wish I could talk to her about it, but I know she wouldn't understand, she would simply deny it. It makes me nervous about her coming over. I'm pretty sure I will be still suffering from lack of sleep when she is here and won't have enough energy to bite my tongue quite as hard when she makes a negative comment. I know it's bad to look so much into the future, but I'm trying to prepare myself! Also, I do know people can always surprise you, so I'm hoping for a surprise!